Do Families Need Fathers: A Dad’s Survival Guide to the Family Law System
- Introduction
- What rights do dad have?
- Am I entitled to 50 50 shared care?
- Parental Responsibility (PR) – the cornerstone of your role as a father
- Are the courts biased against dads?
- Do children need dads (and do families need fathers)?
- Conclusion
Introduction
Do families need fathers? Is that even a question?
I’m a dad. I’ve been through the UK family law system. I know how it feels.
When I became a father I always worked on the principle:
- I’d always be in my child’s life.
- Be seen by everyone as essential, equal to their mum.
- Wouldn’t have to struggle to be part of their life.
- Be treated fairly.
I was wrong. On all counts.
Instead?
- Wasn’t in my child’s life at all for periods.
- Treated like an `optional extra’ at best, as an irrelevance at worst.
- Faced the biggest struggle of my life.
- Got used to feeling I was the victim of injustice.
It was harsh. If you’re facing it – you either know this already or you’ve got it coming. Don’t be too disheartened by all this. There are too many people out there – in real life as well as on social media platforms who are telling dads it’s futile to try, to walk away and take the (relatively) easy option of `calling for change’ instead of the boring, grinding, frustrating, miserable prospect of a court case to stay in your child’s life.
This blog post? It’s here to give you a heads up about how things work in the family law system, to dispel a few myths and even give you a little hope. It can be done. I did it. And so have many of my male clients.
So let’s head into it.
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What rights do dads have?
Forget what you’re reading online about your rights as a parent.
You have no rights.
I can’t say this enough. Whether you should have them is a different matter. You don’t need to convince me (I’m just a McKenzie Friend) helping people represent themselves) and you’re not going to convince a judge in court either.
If it’s any consolation – mums don’t have rights either. It’s called `The Children Act‘ for a reason and not the `Fathers Act’ or `Mothers Act’. Children have rights. You don’t.
OK, OK. You’ve got me. You may be googling the Article 8 of the EHRC which talks about your rights concerning `having and maintaining family relationships, not being separated from family, and maintaining contact with family if split up‘. Or the UN equivalent to that. I’ve seen people quoting that.
It doesn’t go far.
If you tell the judge the law in his/her own court (seldom a good idea) you may be told that these rights have been factored in when the family court makes it’s decision and order.
The family court isn’t there for you though. It’s for your children. The Children Act is explicit in it – in the first paragraph of it all:
(1)When a court determines any question with respect to—
(a)the upbringing of a child; or
(b)the administration of a child’s property or the application of any income arising from it,
the child’s welfare shall be the court’s paramount consideration.
That last line is the key one: It’s about your kids. Not you. Arguing otherwise will make you look more concerned about your rights than your kids and argumentative too because quite simply…it’s going nowhere. The Children Act also says:
The rule of law that a father is the natural guardian of his legitimate child is abolished.
It means you need to focus on what the court is prepared to do and to understand a little about how it works. You cannot count on the fact that you’re a dad to count for as much as you might think.
The next section of this blog tells you about the cornerstone of your role as a father.
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Do families need fathers – am I entitled to 50 50 shared care?
You probably know the answer to this question if you’ve read and digested the bits of this post above this one.
The simple answer to this question is `no’.
You’re not entitled to 50 50 shared care. As you have no rights, it follows you have no entitlement to anything at all. If it makes you feel any better, nor does your ex partner – even if they have the children 100% of the time.
As the court’s concern is `the best interests of the children’ it’d be wrong to assume that a) every child has identical needs and b) every parent who goes through the court is identical too. Every situation, every child and every parent is different. Which means that every solution is different.
If you are keen to push for your `right to 50 50 shared care’ you may fall into the trap of seeming to be more concerned about what you think is fair (for you) instead of the best interests of your child. You may say that it’s important for a child to see each parent as equally important. Which is true – but that doesn’t automatically follow that only happens when a child split their time right down the middle (and while you may be counting the hours you and your ex gets…your child probably isn’t).
That said?
Equal parenting is becoming more common. But bear this in mind.
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Parental Responsibility (PR) – the cornerstone of your role as a father
Speak to the doom mongers you are almost certain to come across if you’re googling for help in your situation and you will be told that Parental Responsibility is a waste of time and means nothing. They’ll tell you that the courts will answer `Do families need fathers?’ with an easy `no’.
I’ll say it plainly: They’re wrong. It isn’t.
If you’re a dad and you don’t have Parental Responsibility (PR) you need to get it yesterday. Even if you have a steady, consistent relationship with your child and a decent relationship with your ex partner, it’s essential you get PR. Mums automatically get PR for their children by the way.
Dad’s don’t.
If you don’t have PR for your child other people who do (usually your ex partner) can do these sorts of thing without consulting nor advising you:
- Move your child anywhere on the planet.
- Rename your child.
- Giving someone else PR (new boyfriends or husbands for example but can be anyone whatsoever).
- Authorising medical treatment for your child.
- Making decisions about them.
- Dismissing you out of hand if you want to spend time with your children.
…and more. You have no role in your child’s life without it. And if your ex partner gives PR to someone else while you don’t have it – they’re going to be able to make big potentially life-changing decisions about your children in the same way your ex partner is.
Check out discussion among mothers who aren’t on the best of terms with the fathers of their child and you’ll see they’re clear on these points even if you aren’t, to the extent they’ll be debating about the merits of not putting Dad on the birth certificate because it gives him `rights’. They’re correct.
You can probably relax however – because there’s a good chance you already have it. You have PR for your child if:
- You were married to mum when she gave birth to your child (whether you’re on the birth certificate or not).
- You are named as the father on the birth certificate.
- The court has ordered that you have PR.
- Your ex partner has completed a C_PRA1 as a holder of PR.
If one of these applies to you…you can relax a little.
If not and you’re on the first step of going down the route of the family court, this is your first task. Approach your ex and nicely arrange for her to fill in the relevant sections of the C_PRA1 form before following the instructions on it. If you’re worried she’ll get hostile if you do so…ask yourself `Am I willing to take the risk of her doing any of the above?’ and also `If we’ve got a good relationship now, why would she object?’
It’s important to highlight one big thing however: Having PR doesn’t give you an automatic right to contact with your child. This is why the doom mongers will say it is a waste of time.
But you know different after reading this, right? But even so. Do families need fathers?
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Are the courts biased against dads?
Honestly? It’s a moot point.
If you’re a dad going through the court if the they are biased against you, you can’t change it (particularly during the life span of your case). Even if there is bias against you for being a dad you’re not going to change the minds of those who believe that. It’s a conversation for another day, another arena and another situation – who knows? Maybe after your case is old history you can join an organisation that lobbies for the change you want to see.
But for now? It doesn’t matter.
There are advantages to be had by parents, true. Being the primary carer can be powerful – because the court doesn’t like to make orders unless it has to do so (it’s called the `No order principle’). A status quo is also useful…that is, being able to point to a situation and say `It’s working and a change would be disruptive so an order changing it wouldn’t be good’.
Finally, gender bias. It’s still true that on balance a man is much more likely to be seen as a perpetrator of abuse and a woman a victim, regardless of individual circumstances. Not always, but from our point of view – it’s noticeable. It’s one of the reasons any man going to court needs to be `whiter than white‘ at all times. Because if there is any truth to allegations made against him, they are almost certainly going to be brought up in court.
As I say though – you can’t change many of these. So don’t focus on it. Focus on the things you can change.
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Do children need dads (and do families need fathers)?
I find this question shocking. Do we even need ask `Do families need fathers’? Shocking that it’s even something people will consider saying `No’ too.
Here are some of the things you’ve probably heard if this question is asked:
- `My mum was a single parent and I didn’t need my dad’.
- `Single mums are mum AND dad to the children’.
- `Too many men just walk away’.
- `As long as they get enough love, it doesn’t matter if they have a dad or not’.
- `As long as they have a male role model, they don’t need their dad’.
- `This attitude excludes non traditional families’.
It’s understandable in this climate – one that treats dads as a `nice to have’ (at most) that fathers feel they’re fighting an uphill battle. Among academics there are many studies that conclude fathers play an important role in their children’s lives (as well as others that say the opposite).
If your a dad on the receiving end of this negativity, it’s easy for it to make you feel worthless and a sense of futility.
Children need their dads – and families need fathers. It’s unfashionable to say, but dads belong at the heart of families and it’s something you – as a dad – should bear in mind at all times.
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Conclusion
It’s a lot to take in. But don’t be disheartened. As a dad, things can be hard. As a non primary carer, as someone who wants to change the situation – and as a man you have almost certainly got an uphill battle if you want a more substantial relationship with your children in the face of an ex who doesn’t want that.
But it’s possible.
It takes patience, work, knowledge and time. Make sure you have all of these abundance, because their tools you are almost certainly going to need.
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