We hear `My ex won’t let me see my child’ on a daily basis.
We hear it in emails, on social media and during our online Ask Me Anything chats. Every. Day.
Being denied a relationship with your child is one of the most emotionally painful experiences a parent can endure. Parenting is challenging enough without the added stress of this.
When it happened to me I felt like I’d been thrown out of the parents club. I felt like I had the keys to a car, but no car. When people asked if I had children I said…`Sort of?’
It’s a very common scenario. Many parents face this difficult situation, often feeling powerless and confused about what to do next. While every case is unique, there are common reasons why contact is restricted and actionable steps you can take to resolve the issue.
Here’s what to you need to know if this is happening to you…
Back to the top
Why an Ex Won’t Let Me See My Child
If your ex won’t let you see your child, it’s important to understand their reasoning.
But before we go into that, it’s important for you to know this, to internalise this and to make it clear when you need to tell people this. Internalise it to the extent that every time you discuss this topic…this is how you frame things. You’ll thank me later.
Here it is:
Your ex isn’t denying you a relationship with your child…they are denying your child a relationship with their parent.
I’m going to assume you’re a good parent. Although courts don’t need you to be a good parent…just a `good enough’ one. You’re a human being. You’ve got flaws. You’re doing your best, but sometimes? You screw up. So does everyone – including your ex.
That’s not a reason for your child to be denied a relationship with you.
Even if you are a `good enough’ parent your ex may have concerns that are legitimate. Other times, it may stem from unresolved personal conflicts. Let’s explore some of the most common reasons:
Legitimate Concerns
- Child Safety: If there are concerns about neglect, abuse, or substance misuse, your ex may believe restricting contact is necessary to protect the child. This can stem from genuine worry and may require you to address the concerns head-on to reassure them. If your parenting hasn’t been as good as it could be in the past your ex could (perhaps) be forgiven for being concerned about what will happen in the future.
- Emotional Well-being: Your ex might feel that exposure to conflict between you two could harm your child emotionally. For example, if arguments or tension are common during handovers, they might try to minimize this stress by restricting visits. Of course – this can be on either (or both) of you. But if your ex is the primary carer of the child they usually get the casting vote.
- Unmet Legal Obligations: Non-payment of child maintenance can sometimes escalate into withheld access. It’s important to state there is no link in law between maintenance and contact. But if a parent is talking about acting in the best interests of their child while refusing to provide for them financially it is reasonable to see there’s a contradiction here.
Personal Conflicts
- Resentment: Breakups can leave unresolved anger, and some parents use their child as a way to “punish” the other. Emotional wounds from the end of a relationship can linger, affecting co-parenting dynamics.
- New Relationships: Introducing a new partner can spark jealousy or mistrust, leading to limited access. An ex might feel replaced or worry about the influence of the new partner on the child.
- Control: Restricting access can be a way to maintain control over the relationship dynamics or another court case (such as financial ones) , even post-separation. This is especially true if communication has been poor or contentious.
- Communication issues: Poor communication can exacerbate an already tense situation, with initially minor issues ballooning into major problems that could and should have been dealt with calmly, amicably and swiftly.
Understanding these motivations can help you address the root cause of the issue and begin working toward a resolution. It may not solve them if your ex is determined to do what they’re going to do what they’re going to do…but it may do.
Back to the top
What to Do If Your Ex Won’t Let Me See My Child
The good news is that there are steps you can take to address this situation. Because many people have gone through what your facing, there is a well worn path, a process and a wealth of experience of those who have seen what works and what doesn’t.
There are various things you can do – often in parallel with each other. Whether it’s through legal channels, mediation, or improved communication, there are pathways to resolution. Here’s what you can do:
1. Stay Calm and Child-Focused
It’s natural to feel angry or frustrated if your ex won’t let you see your child, but reacting emotionally could make matters worse. Take a deep breath, and remember that your child’s best interests should guide your actions. Avoid speaking negatively about your ex in front of your child, as this can create more tension and put your child in an awkward position.
Staying calm also allows you to approach the situation with clarity, improving your chances of finding a constructive solution.
Not only will it avoid making a bad situation worse, you’re not going to find yourself explaining to a judge (or your ex’s expensive barrister during cross examination) why you did and/or said things that weren’t your finest hour.
2. Understand the Legal Framework
In the England & Wales, the law emphasises the child’s right to have a relationship with both parents, provided it is safe and in their best interests. Not the other way around. As a parent you have no rights…but you do have responsibilities. You have no legal right to see your own child, but there are always option.
Here’s how you can navigate the legal system:
Get legal help
Speak to an organisation like Family Law Assistance or else a family law solicitor if you don’t want to represent yourself (although they’re much more expensive) for guidance.
Whoever you choose to assist you they can explain the law, the legal options available, and how to proceed based on your specific circumstances. This assistance is particularly useful if communication with your ex has broken down.
Court may not be the best option; it should always be the last resort whenever possible.
Apply for a Child Arrangement Order
If informal communication or mediation fails, you can apply for a Child Arrangement Order through the family court. This can legally determine who the child lives with and how much time they spend with each parent. The court’s primary focus will be the child’s welfare, considering factors like their age, emotional needs, and safety (detailed in the Welfare Checklist within the Children Act).
Enforcement of Existing Orders
If you already have a court order in place and your ex is breaching it, you can apply to enforce it. Be prepared to show evidence of breaches and how they’ve impacted your relationship with your child. Courts take these matters seriously and will investigate any non-compliance.
Be aware that enforcement applications almost always fail; the most likely scenario is for the parent who is breaching the order to claim the existing order isn’t working and that the order should be varied (which invariably will be for less contact between the child and the non primary carer).
But failing to make this application will likely be seen as you agreeing to the new arrangement imposed by your ex partner. And in any case…if your ex keeps breaking the order you are building the picture for another day if need be.
3. Mediation
Mediation is often a more amicable and cost-effective alternative to court.A trained mediator can help both parents discuss their concerns and reach a compromise. Mediation is also required before applying to court in most cases, unless there are safety concerns or other exceptions.
How Mediation Works
Mediation involves both parents meeting with a neutral third party to discuss their concerns and work toward a solution. It’s a confidential process that prioritises open communication and collaboration. If successful, agreements made during mediation can be formalised into legally binding arrangements.
Mediation is a legal requirement
Mediation – or more accurately a MIAM (that’s a `Mediation Information Assessment Meeting’ to the uninitiated is a legal requirement before you make an application (unless it’s deemed unsuitable due to domestic abuse allegations, etc.) If you don’t make a real effort to resolve things via mediation the court may be unimpressed and you may even be told you need to attend before your case proceeds. In my experience though this is unlikely (and even less likely to yield any meaningful progress).
Mediation isn’t a legally binding
The only thing that is legally binding is a court order (and as we discuss above…the courts almost never enforce their own orders). If mediation works and a `memorandum of understanding’ is drawn up – a parenting plan for example – and your ex changes his/her mind after it has been produced, there are no legal implications. Don’t get me wrong…the court will want to know why someone agreed to something and then changed their mind – but is isn’t legally binding.
A delaying tactic?
We’ve seen mediation used as a delaying tactic. The parent with the child will agree to mediation…but not at the moment. Maybe in a couple of months. And then they’ll cancel just before (or `forget’ to attend) and reschedule a few months down the line. Or they’ll go to mediation but refuse to agree to anything meaningful yet.
And while this happens? The status quo you are looking to change is growing in length and your ex will likely say your children are now settled and you should leave things as they are.
When to `press the button’ and decide to go to court is more of an art than a science and it’s something you should think very carefully about (or ask for help from an expert!)
4. Be Willing to Compromise
Sometimes, resolving conflicts requires a bit of give-and-take. Consider what compromises you’re willing to make to reassure your ex and improve the situation. For instance:
- Could you adjust your schedule to accommodate your ex’s concerns?
- Are there ways to reassure them about your parenting capabilities (e.g., attending a parenting course)?
- Can you adjust your expectations?
- Are there things you can forgo for things you can’t?
Demonstrating flexibility can build trust and show your commitment to your child’s well-being. Separation is hard and it’s easy to fall into a `winner takes all’ mentality. But as a separated parent – sadly – your circumstances have changed and you need to bear that in mind, even if you feel you have been wronged and are the innocent party in it all.
With work, you’ll likely end up with an arrangement you’re not `happy’ with but you can live with.
5. Keep Records
Document every interaction related to these issues. This includes:
- Texts, emails, and letters.
- Missed contact dates.
- Any steps you’ve taken to resolve the situation (such as mediation).
- Recordings (legal in England & Wales but you’ll need the court’s permission to play them if you wish that to happen).
These records can be crucial if you end up in court. They provide a clear timeline of events and demonstrate your efforts to maintain contact with your child.
In an ideal world you’ll be putting them in a trial bundle format and not a carrier bag.
6. Be Patient
Rebuilding trust or navigating legal processes takes time. While it’s frustrating to wait, patience is often key to reaching a long-term solution. Avoid escalating conflicts, as this can make the situation harder to resolve.
Back to the top
Why it’s important to act when you’re saying `my ex won’t let me see my child’.
It’s important to say here I’m not telling you to leapfrog into court.
Court is a last resort (or should be) when nothing else works. It’s potentially expensive, heartbreaking and can entrench positions further. If you can avoid court…do so. It’s foolish to be there unless there are no alternatives.
If your ex won’t let you see your child, your child is suffering firstly. So are you. Children thrive when they have positive relationships with both parents. Denying contact can have far-reaching consequences, including:
- Emotional Distress: Children may feel abandoned, confused, or blame themselves for the situation. This can impact their self-esteem and emotional well-being.
- Strained Relationships: Prolonged separation can damage the parent-child bond, making it harder to rebuild trust and connection.
- Behavioural Issues: Some children act out as a way of expressing their distress. They might struggle with school, friendships, or authority figures.
Court cases are intrusive. A case is literally letting strangers decide the fate of your child. They’ll likely be interviewed by professionals to produce reports…sometimes repeatedly.
As a parent, it’s vital to remain a positive presence in your child’s life in whatever way you can. This includes regular communication—through video calls, letters, or messages—to help maintain your connection until in-person contact is possible again.
Back to the top
Alternative Approaches
While the courts can be a useful tool, they’re not always the best option. I’ve already said they should be the last option. Separated parents have a huge number of tools open to them…if they engage with the process and work together for their children’s sakes.
Here are some alternative approaches to consider:
1. Co-Parenting Therapy
A neutral therapist can help you and your ex work through conflicts and focus on creating a healthy co-parenting relationship. Therapy can provide tools to improve communication, address unresolved issues, and prioritise the child’s needs.
2. Parenting Plans
A parenting plan is a written agreement outlining schedules, responsibilities, and expectations for both parents. It can cover everything from visitation times to decision-making responsibilities. Having a clear plan can reduce misunderstandings and conflicts.
3. Third-Party Intervention
Sometimes, a trusted family member or friend can mediate discussions in a less formal setting. This person should be neutral and focused on the child’s best interests. Informal mediation can work well for parents who still have a basic level of trust.
4. Build Your Case Gradually
If formal processes feel overwhelming, start small. Rebuild trust through small acts of cooperation, like exchanging updates about the child’s school or health. These small steps can pave the way for more significant progress over time.
Back to the top
Final Thoughts
If your ex won’t let your child see you, remember that you have options.
Whether you choose mediation, legal action, or alternative methods, staying child-focused is the most important thing. By demonstrating patience, understanding, and a commitment to your child’s well-being, you’re more likely to find a resolution that works for everyone involved.
Remember, the ultimate goal is to ensure your child’s happiness and security. For more guidance, check out Family Law Assistance or other trusted resources. You don’t have to face this alone—help is out there, and your efforts can make a meaningful difference in your child’s life.
I hope this helps.
Back to the top
